Who I am
by Querida del Diablo
Summary: “I run and I hide, but I never lie.” My name is Duo Maxwell and this is my story about my mask. I know, I suck at summaries. RR please, first Gundam fic so please go easy on me


Konnichiwa!  
  
This is my first GW fic so I'm sorry if this isn't very good. I'm also Dutch so sorry if there are any grammar and spelling mistakes in this. I worship Duo (the next one of the big fan group) and I don't hate Relena, though she's way too good. I also like Wufei, Milliardo, Treize, Hilde and Dorothy. Dunno why I'm telling this though. Okay, I don't watch GW that long so it could be out of character a bit. This fic is a one-shot unless there are enough people asking for more, then there will be a couple too. I just want to say one thing. He fools even his biggest fans.   
  
Enjoy!  
  
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"I run and I hide, but I never lie."  
  
Duo Maxwell  
  
  
  
My name is Duo Maxwell and this is my story about my mask.   
  
What?, you'd ask.   
  
My mask. The mask where I hide behind. My happy, laughing mask which only sometimes goes away.   
  
I grew up in the colonies as an orphan on the streets. And sometimes I'd still wish the illness of Solo was mine, so I could just die. I admit it, I have issues. Maybe even more than Heero.   
  
Solo... My name is a homage to you. We, the gang, you and I, would hang out together and help each other. But then you died. Everything changed. The others took care of me until I was seven, until I was adopted by Maxwell church. Which was destroyed a year later. My life is hell.   
  
I may have the typically cheerful, often advocating teamwork and optimism, but I'm very aware of the reality of my surroundings. I know exactly what's going on and what I do.   
  
I'm fighting for the sake of peace, to build a better world, but most of all, for the colonies.  
  
A person -I'm not telling his name- once said I missed one thing that the others had: stability. But what about Trowa and Heero then? They had hard childhoods too. Why would I be any more special than they are? I agree when you'd talk about Quatre or Wufei, they grew more or less up in a normal environment. But Heero and Trowa? No way.  
  
The person said that I lived in uncertainty, he said that I delt with loss and adaptation ever since I was young, preventing me that I would mature normally.  
  
I'm normal though. I think I am. I have issues, but there are other people like that too. I feel something slip off my cheek. Tears. They always come when nobody's watching. Too much bad memories.  
  
I cry out under my pillow. I cry and scream and clench my fists till I almost bleed. And it doesn't help a thing.  
  
Then I'm calm again and begin to think.   
  
I don't know my parents, yet I trust people. That's probably because someone actually took care of me. I dunno. Don't want to know either.   
  
I also have enough confidence in the things I do. Sometimes I really ask myself how that's possible.   
  
Wow, these are my first clear thoughts about what I go trough. Normally I would stop because I was crying too much.   
  
I want to be part of a group, help others and receiving help back for that. That's the only way to survive. That's why I created this gang. But I'm afraid. Afraid of getting too close, afraid to lose somebody I love too deeply.   
  
And I try to believe in God, I want him to protect the ones I love. But I don't believe in him. I don't believe in him because I've never seen a miracle, only dead people.   
  
And after all I still want to believe in God, I want to think that he's looking out for me. But in my heart I just can't believe it, I just Can't. I try to prove myself that I still have faith by wearing this outfit and preaching the love of life and charity. But inwardly I'm quite a hypocrite.   
  
Once I said that I run and I hide, but I never lie. I think of myself this way and I'm not afraid to state it outright. It's not like people know what I mean with it.   
  
In some kind of way it's a paradox, and not something where I'm proud of. I'm a coward, and I lie. I run means I'm a coward, I hide means a form of deception, and I consider it as lying. Though I'd never run from a battle, I'm still lying.   
  
I run away of showing my true nature and I hide to show it too. And with that my statement is explained. My statement which I never really understood.   
  
And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of death. Everyone around me at Maxwell Church was killed, what would you expect! It's not like I don't love life. I can tell that Heero looks past my mask. He knows I don't want to die. But it's just that everybody who gets close to me is doomed to die. I am Shinigami. My fear of death is what pushes me to take the form of the God of Death. Only by becoming "death" I have a chance of escaping it, and saving my friends from it as well. It is a position of power that I didn't have as a child, but now I am deciding who lives and who dies.   
  
I throw my lamp against the wall opposite of me and tears come again.   
  
I am afraid, I even showed it. When Heero came to kill me. Heero once said that I was nearly terrified. I had my eyes closed, I spoke to myself softly, I smiled weakly... But when he turned to me again I was turned away, eyes shut tightly, with a grimace on my face.   
  
I always hide behind a smile. The most effective mask is that of perfect ease and I learned how to use it. But as I realized, it doesn't always work. Sometimes it just goes away. I always hide the best in open. By putting forth a happy face, I keep everyone from digging to deep in my mind and keep them away from my heart. I don't want people to know I'm actually weak.   
  
I have blood on my hands. I'm a killer. I want to prevent that people have a past like I have. But the only way to peace is trough murder. The only thing I can do is nothing but kill soldiers and creating more orphans. I try to prevent destruction by causing it.   
  
I begin to cry even more and harder.  
  
I become what I hate and fear the most.   
  
I cry out under my pillow again. I scream and don't stop, though I have problems with breathing.   
  
I come out again, tears still adorning my cheeks.   
  
I look only at the here and now. I'm afraid of my past and unable to look forward. I wish for peace and faith, maybe even Heaven, who knows.   
  
I'll have to face the things I've done when the war's over. Being the God of Death also means taking responsibility for those deaths. I don't want to take it. They'll only hunt me my entire life. I want them just to GO AWAY.   
  
I don't want them to stay. They just need to go away.   
  
I stand up and walk towards my mirror. And I see a complete image. I despise myself for being so complete. It isn't right. I pick up the chair where I lay my clothes always on.   
  
And I throw it towards the mirror, breaking the glass. In my fury I pick the chair up again and hit.   
  
I hit and hit and hit.   
  
Then I calm down, the fury was gone. I look into the pieces of the mirror who still are in the frame. I see different images. One where my head looks bigger than in an other, one where my face is all weird...   
  
Now my image is right...   
  
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*hides behind her Duo bishonen from all the sharp objects she gets thrown at her head* I'M SORRY!!! I know it sucks.   
  
Poor Duo-kun, I'm sooo evil ^.^.   
  
But I really think there's so much more behind Duo than the happy guy. I think that he's going to have it hard after the war. The group has split, but he also has to face the damage he did as God of Death. When he faced them he has to accept them and move on. Otherwise he can maybe slip into a depression (I'm not saying he's going to kill himself). But if he can move on I think he'll be stronger than ever.  
  
I also want to ask you guys who review and actually want me to write more to give the Duo couple you most like. It can be with an OC, with Hilde, with Heero, with anybody. I'll count the votes and the couple who gets the most votes wins. It's as simple as that.  
  
Review please.   
  
Sayonara. 


End file.
